Last Words
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Another songfic. They're like a drug. Raph contemplates his last words.
1. Chapter 1

_Not really into character death because killing a character off has a pesky way of ending the story. But I'll make an exception for this songfic because it looks so awesome in my mind. Yeah, it's another Raph. But I have other songs for the other three, so don't fret. Can't believe I just wrote a deathfic. Bah. Shame be upon me. Let's pretend that Don saves him somehow after the last line. We'll leave it open to interpretation._

_Song is "Letting the Cables Sleeping" by Bush. Again, more awesome 90's alternative. I guess you can see where my allegiance lies._

Was all this blood his own? Surely, some of it must belong to the future John Doe who was lying across the alley. Raphael bent his head painfully in the direction of the asshole that had put him in this position. A lying on his face in a hot dirty alley, unable to move position. And of course it was dark. It was always dark, as far as he was concerned. He was never topside in the daylight, so did it even really exist? He put his hand on his side and pulled it back to see blood dripping off his fingers. He was lying in a pool of it. A great big swimming pool of his own blood. He liked his blood best when it was in his own body.

**You in the dark****  
****You in the pain****  
****You on the run****  
****Living a hell****  
****Living your ghost****  
****Living your end**

Where was his phone? He didn't move to look. He knew that it was at home on his bed. His bed. He wished he were at home in his soft bed that smelled like his sweat, listening to Mikey tell a story about a six foot tall gerbil. Then he would tell him to shut up and that if he wasn't quiet in ten seconds he would hog tie him. Why didn't he ever let Mike finish his little stories? Was it too much for him to give up half an hour of his day to let his brother entertain him?

Raph needed his phone. He bent his other arm slowly from under his plastron and felt something warm and metallic where it didn't belong. That's the son of a bitch. That's the knife. It was still in him. He grasped the handle and then let go. You shouldn't pull things out that are stuck into you. You'll bleed out.

His blood puddle was reaching up to his face and he tried to move away.

**Never seem to get in the place that I belong****  
****Don't wanna lose the time****  
****Lose the time to come**

At least it didn't hurt now, he thought. He wanted Leo. He knew that there was no way that Leo could know where he was, but it didn't change the fact that he wanted him there. Things always worked out alright after Leo showed up, no matter how many times Raph tried to screw them up.

He should move. He should hide. He was lying in the open, in the heat and the alley light was shining over him. Raph's legs wouldn't move.

**Whatever you say it's alright****  
****Whatever you do it's all good****  
****Whatever you say it's alright****  
****Silence is not the way****  
****We need to talk about it****  
****If heaven is on the way****  
****If heaven is on the way**

There was something that he needed to tell Leo. What was it? It was important.

**You in the sea****  
****On a decline****  
****Breaking the waves****  
****Watching the lights go down****  
****Letting the cables sleep****  
**

He'd seen many men die and he had held them in his arms and felt the life pass out of them. Raph had savored the fear in their eyes, imagining the pain and horror of death filling them by his own hands and reveling in the power of it. But that was all wrong. He didn't feel any pain now. The alley was quiet and his body was heavy. He could feel his blood seeping up into his mouth, but didn't particularly care. At least it was his own.

**I'm a stranger in this town****  
****I'm a stranger in this town****  
**

What would happen when his body was found? The police would send him to a university lab for an autopsy. Scientists would cut him open and peer around at his guts and tell the world that a monster had been found. And then his brothers would know what had happened. Maybe they would mourn. Maybe they would be relieved to be rid of him. Things would be easier for them.

Don was holding him in his arms. When did that happen?

"Raph, I'm sorry," Don said. That was meaningless. Sorry for what? It was his own fault wasn't it?

He had to tell Leo. It was important. "Tell Leo…"

"What?"

"Tell him that I hid his model airplane glue," Raph said, with the dull realization that scientists wouldn't tear his body apart after his death. "I taped it to the inside of the toilet tank."

Don let out a choked and tear strangled laugh and nodded.


	2. Chapter 2

_Another Bush song of the same theme as the song I used of theirs previously. So I thought I would set a new precedent and do a second chapter to a songfic. I like to do a concluding chapter, like a little trilogy if I could find a proper Bush song. I don't think I will, but… I've been on an emo death kick for the last few days. Sorry._

_Song here is "Out of My Mind" by Bush. You should listen to it while you read. I bet it'll be bone chilling. I want this song played at my funeral._

He should hate this man. But no matter how hard Leo tried, he couldn't muster the feeling. All he felt was hollow. Maybe hospitals made everyone feel that way. Why did Kevin Shepherd get to die here in a comfortable hospital bed?

Don had called him over an hour ago telling him that Raph was bleeding to death in an alley next to a dumpster. He must be dead by now. He should go home.

His brother had died in a dirty alley. And Kevin Shepherd would die here in the hospital. Leo looked at the cables and IV lines that were pumping fluids into his body, keeping him alive.

Leo knew his duty was at home, but he didn't care. He knew Raph would do the same for him.

He looked towards the hospital room door, checking for nurses. But maybe this was better. Maybe this was the intended path for Raph. He was always fighting against life for some reason or another.

**When we die****  
****We go in to the arms of those****  
****Who remember us****  
****We are home now****  
****Out of our heads****  
****Out of our minds****  
****Out of this world****  
****We're out of this time****  
**

"He wants you here with him, but he won't last more than a few minutes," Don had said into the phone. Don't bother, in other words. He'd heard the sounds of the ambulance in the background and his feet had taken him to the hospital.

Why did Don get to be with him in his last minutes? He should have been there. It was his right. He loved him the most. But that wasn't right, he thought, pushing the flaring grief aside. He was here with a goal. Then he would go home and take care of Mikey.

Kevin had a few bouquets of flowers. Leo pulled the tiny card out of one of the vases and read, "I love you, Mom." Even though you're a murderer, he thought.

What was the last thing he had said to Raph? He'd asked him if he knew where the model airplane glue had gone. He suspected that he'd hid it. Raph thought the glue stank and said that it gave him a headache. Had he ever told him he loved him?

He didn't think so.

**Are you drowning or waving?****  
****I just want you to save me****  
****Should we try to get along?****  
****Just try to get along****  
****So we move****  
****We change by the speed of the choices that we make****  
****And the barriers are all self-made****  
****That's so retrograde****  
**

There's no time to think about that. He drew his katana and pulled back the sheets. He had broken his family and dishonored his clan. This one, stupid man had broken him half without ever touching him. He would pay. Kevin Shepherd from the Bronx couldn't be allowed to live. He would die in his white cushioned hospital bed. Raph had bled to death slowly for hours by himself.

What would they do with Raph's body? They couldn't allow it to ever be found. They couldn't bury him. There was really nowhere to bury him in a sewer anyway. Maybe Don would incinerate him.

Raph isn't his body, he told himself as he let his katanas fall to the side. He couldn't image life without it, living or dead. It was like there was a solid barrier at the point when Raph didn't physically exist and nothing existed beyond it either. True, he smelled like a musty shower and had to practically be forced to brush his teeth. And he always left half eaten, uncovered tuna cans sitting in the refrigerator and it made everything taste like fish. And he left his napkins in his empty plates and filled the sink with water and then left them there for days on end until it was a moldy mess.

He used to bite when they were young. If he wanted a toy, wanted the biggest piece of meat at dinner, wanted to be on the top bunk, wanted to be next in the bathroom. He just bit them. Mostly Leo anyway. He still had scars on his fingers. He looked down at his hands, but they were blurry from the tears.

**Are you drowning or waving?****  
****I just need you to save me****  
****Should we try to get along?****  
****Just try to get along****  
**

But he wouldn't cry now. He was going to take out this Kevin Shepherd whose mother loved him and had an aunt named Sally who had sent him a balloon. Because Raph would do the same for him. Because Raph would have hunted this man down and utterly destroyed him. Because he could sing the entire Johnny Cash songbook. Because once he had peed on a chair while he was sleepwalking. Because he used sarcasm as a shield to protect himself.

He would finish it quick. Then go home and see him before Don figured out what to do with his body. Before he didn't exist anymore. He would try to memorize his smell. Find an analog before he forgot him.

**I am alive****  
****I'm awake to the trials of confusion we create****  
****There were times I feel when we're about to break****  
****When there's too much to say****  
****We are home now****  
****Out of our heads****  
****Out of our minds****  
****Out of this world****  
****We're out of this time**

Leo held his katana up in the air and just as he made the first movement to bring it down and cleave off Kevin Shepherd's head, he heard his cell phone ringing. He couldn't be heard. He couldn't let anyone know he was here. Leo climbed out the window and hid out of sight in case a nurse came by.

He'd missed his chance. He'd failed. Raph would have taken the hit, damned be the consequences. That's why they weren't the same.

Leo answered, but didn't say anything. His voice didn't work at the moment and there didn't seem to be any words to say anyway.

"Where are you?" Don said, in a squeaky voice. "Somebody wants to talk to you."

Master Splinter. Leo didn't want to talk to him and explain where he was right now. Maybe if he hung up he could pretend that the call had been dropped.

"What happened? Did you have to hurry off to a hair appointment?" It was Raph's voice. Raph wanted him home. He didn't stop to wonder at how Raph was talking to him now. He didn't care.

"I'll be right there." He didn't recognize his own voice. His face was covered in tears and his throat was full.

"Just leave him," Raph said.

As Leo ran home, he wondered if Raph would have left Kevin Shepherd sleeping in his bed. Probably not. That's why they were different.


End file.
